Love. It aint easy. There isn’t a guaranteed correct solution for the problem of love. We don’t have sources. Atleast, none that we can rely our whole life with. We only make theories, live by them and then face the biggest hurt that can transpire- which eventually turn our lives around. This is the fact that we realize that the theory that we live by was only a lie perpetuated. Then we kill everyone else who said love was easy. This thing doesn’t even look like it. Despite a gentle four-lettle word, this thing can torn a nation, drive someone insane or turn hell on earth. This thing… is just the hardest to sink in… both in my head and heart. All I can do is assume and wait for some verdict (which might not even be the verdict that I expected). There is no right answers… just real ones- blunt, strong, wrong, no matter what. They are answers in form of gestures, notes, expressions, maybe even words… It uses a lot of words but how can it equal some action? We don’t have cylinders or some measuring tool for this… which makes this even more uncertain for us to assume. And they say LOVE is easy? How could that ever…??! It’s the hardest, especially when you fail in it… it seemed as if you fail your whole life, your whole world cause everything depends upon it. And it’s more questionable than the laws of physics. It even defies gravity cause sometimes- we fall forever. We fall unreasonably which defies logic. We continue falling to some height that is unmeasurable which defies mathematics. We fall even if we know or not know if someone would catch us… which defies everything possible. Sometimes, we surrender to its complete defiance of every rational thought. Everyone makes a big deal of it as if it’s the toughest test disguised in some walk in the park. We get trapped in emotions that we don’t want to feel. We get blinded by some blur and we really just don’t know what seems… We might not even know anything at all. There will be things, for certain, that we will not know… Like those who loved us and gave up cause we never noticed at all… There will be things that we thought we knew only to realize one day that it wasn’t really what it meant to us… Or that it needed another interpretaion… How could LOVE be interepeted in one sole definition if everyone views things so differently. Nothing is constant in the name of love. Maybe what I have is a hypothesis of some sort of irrelevant happenings based on some observable data- tested and proved to be really happening with facts that can be classified as philosophical, psychological, scientific, lingusitic… actually it involved so many aspects that perhaps we do feel dumb about it. That love doesn’t just conquer- it beats the conqueror and the defeated. Maybe no one even wins if love was a gamble. No one wins knowing cheating has its own price to pay. One thing could be certain: there is more to know about this subject. There is more to that smile, that blush, that look, those words, those people who seem to touch us profoundly, those things that pass us by like big moments, those things as if our lives are all about them. There is more to know why it means so much to have someone to spend our life with, why appearance means so much in chosing that someone, why we believe in cliches, why some people won’t love us no matter what we do… love isn’t easy. It just isn’t!
this was the record that I wrote last September 2004:
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I went to New York last August 27, 2004. There was so much that transpired but things happened for a reason- like the bus drive story i’ve shared with my friends. I now happened to be fearless and tough since I’ve faced the worst- crazy people, robbery, near car accidents and swarm people moving as if rioting. On our last days, we travelled for 4 days through train, bus, bus again and plane. So much travelling- taxi, my relative’s van, subway… This is what I call globetrotting. We literally painted the town red. We saw everything to see in NY- empire State, NBC, MTV TRL, Statue of Liberty, Ground Zero, 6 Flags, etc. I also met Lucky, my aunt’s pitbull. She kinda became my alternative pet (Hero and Ashley) who gave me the unconditional love that I used to get from my own pets at home. In Tenessee, we only had a day to tour so we just shopped and I celebrated an early bday party in an Italian restaurant… I blew candles and made a wish… Dreams become a possibility. But there’s really nothing like the real thing. To sit across your dreams, to have touch it and feel as if you’d never be the same again. Like I said- if you experienced the best, you would never settle for anything less.
It’s a long way from home. We past by the crazy people of Atlanta, escaped the robbery at Amtrac, listened to new songs aside rock (Breakaway), saw different people- rockers, punks, dead people, sluts, workers, whoevers… And the worst is detaching myself from what I get used to- the baked sun and the cold breeze embracing the palm trees and the hilly sides… I watched the change of leaves to fall. I had to detach myself from the memory of falling leaves that form crimson gardens. I simply had to go back to the world that I’ve known for years. Home was a long way- we rode 2 planes. We had a stopover at Narita Japan. Then the journey goes on. I think of home and there’s no place like it. My pets, my family, my friends. They were too much of a reason for me to look forward to go home…
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let me just share a record that I had last April 23, 2004. This was the day when someone special came into our home:
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click the pic to enlarge Hero
I bought a toy poodle yesterday. He was the most beautiful creature out there. He’s got the most dramatic eyes that could melt anyone’s heart. He was the first pet I saw at the shops and after hours of searching… I knew there was something in his eyes that would lead me back to him. I felt sooo attached at the very moment I laid eyes on him and I already loved him. I called him HERO cos simply he was one. He’s got a fabolous curly hair of some famous yet rare brown color. He looked like one of my dolls that’s why despite my fear of dogs, HERO smittened me.
For a day, I took care of HERO for more than I could ever invest. HERO taught me how to think less of myself and more of others (such as him). HERO taught me how to be affectionate and how to be loved in return. HERO renewed my perception of dogs as just mere animals- they also have feelings and they can affect you just as same (or more) as in humans. He made me think more of loving unconditionally despite poops and hard work. HERO made me get up on my feet, feed him, clean his cage and invest so much quality time with him. Best of all, HERO taught me to feel. I loved HERO and I hope to make him grow into a beautiful poodle who will have generations of his own.
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Now, Hero’s with his girl friends Queenie (pomeranian) and Ashley (shitsu). But for now, there would be none but news of how beautiful they all turned out to be!
Aura. They call it when you light up like a burning feather from the sky and you are at the highest state of nirvana. They call it when you bring the sky to the ground just to have you twinkle. They call it so many yet it as simple as having utmost peace from another level up. You are incomparable of all beings and you are solely separated from the 98 other levels below you. You outshine them and prooved yourself worthy of its glow. Percents no longer matter. Deaths no longer count. You are now immortal for death doesn’t make you less of who you are. You will not lose your glow or have it less lighter than the likes of you. You now belong on those few who had survived, spent and sacrificed FOR THE MOST PART! When you have aura, you are already recognized without having to prove anything. You are gifted with radiance that diminishes the pains of being a mortal. You will shine no matter how desperate your hours are. You will shine even when you lay on the ground. You will shine even at loss or at glory. You will shine no matter what. You will shine for the fact your aura is priceless. Not a billion can transfer the way you blaze through breaking grounds. And the fact that you carry it wherever you go, your aura lights you up from the world. It will promise you rebirth when the time is right. It will refine you to its perfection. You are its illumina. You are its purpose. Last March 29, I got my aura. It freed me from the hassling of another gain or loss.
